Resolving disputes

I-messages: everyday examples

Ten sentences, once as a you-message and once as an I-message in three parts. Side by side you can see what a reproach leaves out

Key points at a glance

An I-message has three parts: the behaviour that bothers you, its effect on you and how you feel about it. A wish often follows.
A you-message judges the other person. An I-message describes what their behaviour sets off in you and leaves them room to respond.
The ten examples come from eight areas of life, from family and school to shared flats and neighbours.
“I think you are …” remains a you-message. What counts is whether you pass a judgement or describe an effect.

In numbers

parts per I-message

behaviour, effect, feeling

examples

each as a you-message and as an I-message

areas of life

from family and school to shared flats and neighbours

How to build an I-messageStructure after Thomas Gordon, example from the first section of this page

Describe the behaviour
What happened, as a camera would have recorded it? Without “always” or “never”: “When loud music is still playing after 10 pm,”
Name the effect
What does it do to you, concretely? “… I cannot fall asleep,”
Say the feeling
How do you feel about it? The feeling is yours: “… and the next morning I am irritable.”
A wish, if it helps
For Gordon it is not part of the I-message, so that the other person can find a solution themselves. Nonviolent Communication makes it a fixed step, as a request.

You-message and I-message comparedExample “Family: questions at the dinner table” from this page

You-message

Talks about: the other person and their traits
Example: “You always interfere in my life.”
The other person: has to defend themselves against “always”
What stays open: what actually bothers you

I-message

Talks about: a behaviour and its effect on you
Example: “When you ask at Sunday lunch when I will finally have a permanent job, I no longer want to tell you anything about myself, and that makes me sad.”
The other person: learns what their question sets off
What stays open: how the other person wants to respond

What makes an I-message

An I-message says what someone’s behaviour sets off in you instead of judging the other person. It has three parts: the behaviour, described without judgement, the concrete effect on you and the feeling that comes with it. “You are so inconsiderate” becomes, for example: “When loud music is still playing after 10 pm, I cannot fall asleep, and the next morning I am irritable.”

Its counterpart is the you-message. It assigns responsibility for a problem to the other person and sounds like a verdict on their character. Someone addressed like that usually defends themselves against the verdict and no longer against the occasion. The I-message drops the verdict and supplies information the you-message lacks: what exactly is bothering you and why.

The term goes back to the US psychologist Thomas Gordon, who described I-messages together with active listening for families. Today they are also practised in schools, in teams and in counselling. The examples below show the three parts separately; in a real conversation they flow into a single sentence.

Ten examples of I-messages

The examples come from eight areas of life, because typical you-messages differ with the setting: families often argue about agreements, schools about disruption, workplaces about workload and feedback, shared flats and neighbours about consideration.

While reading, pay particular attention to the first part. Describing the behaviour replaces words like “always”, “constantly” or “totally” with a concrete occasion the other person can confirm. The second part, the effect, is the one you-messages almost always leave out, although it is what makes clear why a behaviour bothers you at all.

Each example comes with a possible wish. In Gordon’s model it is not part of the I-message itself, which is meant to leave the other person free to find a solution. In everyday life a wish often helps, though, and Nonviolent Communication makes it a fixed step in the form of a request.

Family: questions at the dinner table
As a you-message
You always interfere in my life.
As an I-message
Behaviour
When you ask at Sunday lunch when I will finally have a permanent job,
Effect
I no longer want to tell you anything about myself,
Feeling
and that makes me sad.
Wish
It would help me if we left that topic out at meals.
What changes: The parents learn that their question prevents closeness, instead of having to defend themselves against “always”.
Relationship: weekend plans
As a you-message
You only think of yourself.
As an I-message
Behaviour
When you agree to Saturday with your friends without asking me first,
Effect
I have to cancel my own plans,
Feeling
and I get annoyed.
Wish
Please check with me briefly before you commit us both.
What changes: A verdict on someone’s character becomes an occasion that can be talked about.
Children: noise during a phone call
As a you-message
You are so loud, it’s annoying!
As an I-message
Behaviour
When you play ball in the hallway while I am on the phone,
Effect
I cannot understand what the person on the line is saying,
Feeling
and I get impatient.
Wish
Can you carry on playing in the garden until I am done?
What changes: The child hears what exactly is bothering you, not that they themselves are annoying.
Children: coming home late
As a you-message
You are completely irresponsible.
As an I-message
Behaviour
When you come home an hour later than agreed and your phone is off,
Effect
I imagine what might have happened and cannot think of anything else,
Feeling
and I am afraid for you.
Wish
Please send me a message when it is going to be later.
What changes: The worry behind the reproach becomes visible, and teenagers find that easier to accept.
School: disruption in class
As a you-message
You are constantly disrupting the lesson.
As an I-message
Behaviour
When you talk to your neighbour while I am explaining,
Effect
I lose my thread and have to start again,
Feeling
and that annoys me.
Wish
Please save the conversation for the break.
What changes: The teacher talks about a situation, not about the pupil as a person.
Work: tasks on a Friday
As a you-message
You always dump everything on me.
As an I-message
Behaviour
When three new tasks due on Monday reach me on Friday afternoon,
Effect
I have to work at the weekend,
Feeling
and that frustrates me.
Wish
Can we agree urgent tasks by Thursday?
What changes: The effect makes the workload tangible without accusing the colleague of intent.
Work: criticism in front of others
As a you-message
You make a fool of me in front of everyone.
As an I-message
Behaviour
When you bring up my mistake in front of everyone at the team meeting,
Effect
I can no longer explain it calmly,
Feeling
and I find that very uncomfortable.
Wish
Please talk to me in private first about things like that.
What changes: The criticism stays clear, but it concerns one moment and not the other person’s intent.
Neighbours: the driveway
As a you-message
You park like that on purpose.
As an I-message
Behaviour
When your car is standing in front of our driveway in the morning,
Effect
I cannot get out of the garage and arrive late for work,
Feeling
and that makes me nervous.
Wish
Could you park a few metres further along?
What changes: The neighbour does not have to deny any intent and can simply move the car.
Shared flat: the bathroom
As a you-message
You are really inconsiderate.
As an I-message
Behaviour
When the bathroom is flooded after your shower and the towels are on the floor,
Effect
I have to mop up before I can use the bathroom myself,
Feeling
and that annoys me.
Wish
Would you squeegee the water away after your shower?
What changes: A concrete occasion is easier to change than a character trait.
Friendship: borrowed money
As a you-message
Typical, you have probably forgotten my money.
As an I-message
Behaviour
When the 50 euros from the concert have been outstanding for two months and we do not talk about it,
Effect
I think about it every time we meet,
Feeling
and I am unsure how to bring it up.
Wish
Can we agree when you will pay it back?
What changes: The I-message protects the friendship because it talks about the money and not about character.

Common mistakes with I-messages

The most common mistake is the disguised you-message. “I think that you are selfish” starts with I but remains a verdict on the other person. The same goes for “I have the feeling that you do not take me seriously”: what follows “that” is not a statement about you but a guess about the other person’s intent. Teaching material on I-messages therefore warns explicitly against simply putting “I think that …” in front.

The second mistake is exaggeration. Words like “always”, “never”, “constantly” or “every time” turn an occasion into a character trait. The other person immediately finds an exception and argues about the exception instead of the matter. An I-message therefore describes the one occasion at hand and leaves the history out.

The third mistake is handing over responsibility. “You make me angry” sounds like a feeling but gives the other person the responsibility for it. In an I-message the feeling belongs to you: “I am angry when …”. A feeling that is really a reproach, such as “I feel used”, has a similar effect. And finally, any I-message loses its point when it is delivered in a sharp tone or in front of an audience.

Exercise: turning you-messages into I-messages

Write down three you-messages you said or thought in the past week. For each one, answer three questions: What exactly happened, as a camera would have recorded it? What concrete effect did it have on me? How did I feel? Put the three answers together into one sentence that starts with “When”.

Then read the sentence aloud and check it for the three mistakes: Does it contain “always” or “never”? Does “I think” or “I have the feeling” lead into “that you”? Does the feeling word describe your state or what the other person did? If any of these applies, rephrase that part.

Try the sentences on something small, not on the biggest conflict. An I-message about a towel on the floor is easier to say and easier to hear than one about years of resentment. Do not expect the other person to give in straight away. The I-message opens a conversation; what comes next belongs to both of you, and that is where active listening helps.

Teacher training server of Baden-Württemberg, worksheet on I-messages (translated)

So that a good relationship does not suffer, it is advisable to phrase annoyance in a different way, one that puts the statement about oneself at the centre: through “I-messages”.

Sources

To the method: I-messages

Read on

Frequently asked questions

What does a good example of I-messages look like?

A good example combines behaviour, effect and feeling: “When the documents arrive just before the meeting, I cannot read them any more, and that makes me uneasy.” The sentence names a concrete occasion, a verifiable consequence and a feeling, but no verdict on the other person.

How do I-messages differ from you-messages in an example?

The you-message “You are unreliable” judges character. The I-message “When you come an hour after the agreed time, I sit there alone and get annoyed” describes what happened and how it affects you. The first invites a defence, the second an answer.

Which I-messages work for children?

Short I-messages with simple words and an occasion that is happening right now suit children: “When you jump on the sofa, I am afraid you will fall.” Younger children understand the effect better when it is visible, such as a knocked-over glass or a missed bus.

What do I-messages sound like at work?

At work, I-messages focus on the matter: “The figures from last quarter are missing from the report; without them I cannot prepare the decision, and that puts me under time pressure.” The criticism stays clear, but it concerns the work and not the person.

Are there positive I-messages too?

Yes. A positive I-message says what good a behaviour did for you: “When you did the shopping yesterday, I had a quiet evening, and that did me good.” It feels more concrete than general praise because the other person learns what exactly helped.

What are the building blocks of an I-message?

The classic I-message has three building blocks: the concrete behaviour that bothers you, the effect it has on you and how you feel about it. “When you play loud music while I am on the phone, I can hardly hear the other person, and that stresses me.”

Many guides add a fourth building block, the wish. The examples on this page also end with a sentence such as “It would help me if …”. The wish makes clear what could change and still leaves the other person a choice.

Who came up with the I-message?

It was made known by the American psychologist and psychotherapist Thomas Gordon. In his book “Parent Effectiveness Training” from 1970, known in German as “Die Familienkonferenz”, he described how parents and children can build relationships that can bear conflicts too. I-messages and active listening are two central tools there.

Gordon’s idea: people who speak about themselves are easier to understand, and the other person does not have to fend off a judgement.

Why do I-messages sometimes not work?

Mostly because they only have the form of an I-message. “I feel used by you” starts with I but contains an accusation. A sharp tone, a bad moment or onlookers can also undo a well-built I-message.

And sometimes the other person is too upset to listen. Then it helps to listen to them first and postpone your own I-message. An I-message opens a conversation; it does not guarantee a particular outcome.

From a procedure to a mission of your own

Every one of these methods was developed by people who had a dispute in front of them and wanted to handle it differently. The same stance is what it takes on a small scale: in a neighbourhood, a school, a club.

Find your peace mission