Resolving disputes
Active listening
Listen, ask, give it back in your own words: a simple method that can turn an exchange of blows back into a conversation
In numbers
3
components
follow what is said, understand the message, reflect the feeling
3
core attitudes after Rogers
empathy, acceptance, genuineness
1957
essay “Active Listening”
by Carl Rogers and Richard Farson
- Origin
- Described by Carl Rogers in client-centred counselling, made widely known by Thomas Gordon among others
- Where it is used
- Any conversation in which understanding matters, from the family to peer mediation
- What it takes
- Usable at once; it becomes sure only with practice
- Third party
- No third person needed, one side can begin
What is active listening?
Active listening is a way of conducting a conversation in which the listener gives full attention to the other person and gives back what they have understood in their own words. It is not about waiting in silence until it is your turn, but about following what is said, understanding its message and noticing the feeling within it. Osnabrück University of Applied Sciences describes three components: actively following what is said, actively understanding the message and reflecting its emotional content. Whoever listens in this way shows the other that they have been heard and at the same time checks whether they have understood correctly.
The method goes back to the American psychologist Carl Rogers, the founder of client-centred counselling. In his approach to psychotherapy the therapist does not interpret and gives no advice; the client is meant to find clarity themselves, supported by somebody who listens closely. Rogers and Richard Farson used the term active listening in 1957 in an essay of that name, which described listening beyond therapy, for the world of work. Later Thomas Gordon made the method known to a wide public through courses and books for parents and teachers.
Behind the technique lies an attitude. Rogers named three core attitudes for a helpful conversation: empathy in the sense of understanding from within, unconditional positive regard and genuineness, which he also called congruence. Without this attitude, active listening easily becomes a technique that the other person sees through. With it, it becomes a form of respect that shows itself in single sentences. Whoever listens in order to understand need not approve of every word, but takes the other seriously as a person.
Today active listening counts as a basic tool in many fields: in counselling, between doctors and patients, in coaching and in education. It is also part of other approaches to working with conflict. In peer mediation at schools it is among the first things learned, and nonviolent communication directs the same close listening towards feelings and needs. In everyday life it is simply what separates a conversation from an exchange of blows.
How does active listening work in a conversation?
In a conversation, active listening works through four means: showing attention, asking, paraphrasing and naming feelings. It begins with the body, with a posture turned towards the other person, eye contact, a nod and short sounds such as “mhm” or “I see”. Such signals do not interrupt; they only show that somebody is following. Whoever looks at their phone instead, or is already preparing their own answer, sends the opposite, even without meaning to.
Paraphrasing means giving back what you heard in your own words, briefly and without judgement. An example: somebody explains at length that nobody in the team keeps to what was agreed and the work ends up with them. A paraphrase would be: “You have the impression that you have to sort out what others leave undone.” If it is right, the speaker feels understood; if it is wrong, they correct it, and that too moves the conversation on.
The next step leads from content to feeling. The aim is to put the mood that resonates in a statement carefully into words, for instance with the sentence “That sounds as if it annoyed you quite a lot.” Such a response is phrased as an offer, not as a diagnosis. It leaves the other free to accept it, refine it or reject it. Even a feeling that misses the mark often helps, because the other now describes more precisely what is moving them.
Open questions and summaries complete the picture. Open questions begin with how, what or what for and invite the other to go on, instead of asking only for a yes or no. A summary at a suitable point, for instance with “Do I understand you correctly that …?”, secures a shared understanding before the conversation moves on. What is left out matters just as much: no advice, no judgement and no story of your own while the other is still speaking.
When does active listening fit?
Active listening fits whenever somebody wants to talk about something that is on their mind, and whenever a misunderstanding would cost more than the time needed to listen closely. That applies to a conversation between friends as much as to a staff appraisal or a consultation. It helps most at the start of a dispute, when both sides still feel that they have not been heard. Whoever feels understood has no need to get louder.
In conflicts it is often the first step before solutions can be discussed at all. As long as somebody believes their view has not got through, they will repeat it instead of engaging with proposals. A successful paraphrase ends this loop because it shows that the message has arrived. It does not imply agreement: understanding does not mean conceding the point.
That is why active listening belongs to the craft of mediating procedures. In peer mediation at schools, according to the German Federal Agency for Civic Education, it stands at the beginning of the training, together with a confident manner, recognising moods and responding to feelings. The peer mediator agrees with the parties that each will listen to the other without interrupting or insulting them. In mediation between adults, too, this kind of listening carries the procedure.
It also fits where nobody suspects a conflict: in study groups, in clubs, in the neighbourhood and in the family. Here the point is less to settle a dispute than to understand, and that alone can forestall many a dispute. Nonviolent communication starts at the same place but listens specifically for the feelings and needs behind a statement. The two approaches complement each other, because one trains attention and the other offers a language for what has been heard.
Where are the limits of active listening?
The first limit is attitude: active listening only works when the interest is real. Whoever reels off paraphrases as a technique soon sounds mechanical, and the other person notices that they are being handled rather than heard. A sentence such as “I hear that you are angry” can then come across as a lecture. The method presupposes what it is meant to show: honest interest and the willingness to engage with the other.
The second limit is the role. Active listening does not replace a decision, advice or a boundary when these are needed. Whoever carries responsibility in a conversation, as a teacher or a manager for instance, must at some point also say what applies. And whoever is strongly affected themselves often cannot listen in the way the method requires; then a third person who is not a party tends to help more.
The third limit lies where a conversation is no longer safe. In the face of threats, violence or persistent contempt, listening protects nobody, and nobody is obliged to meet such a counterpart with understanding. In an emotional crisis, too, active listening can be a first support but does not replace qualified counselling or therapy. In such situations protection comes before understanding, and it is right to end a conversation and seek support.
Finally, listening alone does not settle a conflict of interests. It makes visible what both sides care about, and that is a great deal, but the question of who gets or does what remains open. That needs a negotiation afterwards, an agreement or a procedure such as peer mediation, which looks for solutions and records them in writing. Active listening is a beginning, not a complete procedure. It creates the ground on which the other steps can hold.
How do you start with active listening?
You can start with a single conversation a day in which you first summarise what you heard before giving your own answer. One sentence is enough: “If I understand you correctly, what matters to you is …” This small pause often changes the tone already, because it takes the speed out. What matters is to ask afterwards whether the summary is right, and to take the answer seriously.
A simple exercise for two people: one talks for three minutes about something that is on their mind, the other only listens and paraphrases at the end. Then the speaker says what was captured and what was missing, and the roles are swapped. The exercise quickly shows how often you are already thinking of your own answer while listening. It is exactly this habit that loosens with some practice.
A second exercise focuses on feelings. After a conversation, note briefly which mood resonated in the other person, and check whether it came up in the conversation. Next time you can venture a careful sentence, such as “That sounds as if you were disappointed.” If you are unsure, phrase it as a question. Over time the eye for such undertones grows sharper, and the sentences come less hesitantly.
And drop one habit: the first impulse to advise, to console or to talk about yourself. It is well meant, but it steers the conversation away from the other person. Whoever asks an open question instead gives the other room to think further for themselves. Nothing more is needed to begin; the rest comes with practice. In professional conversations from which decisions follow, brief notes also help you stay with the matter.
The core
Understanding does not mean agreeing. Whoever feels heard no longer needs to repeat their view, and only then is there room for an answer.
Sources
The steps
- Follow attentivelySit facing the other person, keep eye contact, put the phone away. Short signals such as a nod or an “mhm” show that somebody is following without interrupting. Your own answer waits until the other has finished.
- Ask open questionsQuestions beginning with how, what or what for invite the other to go on, instead of asking for a yes or no. They show interest and clear up what is still unclear. Questions that already suggest an answer do not belong here.
- ParaphraseGive back what you heard in your own words, briefly and without judgement. If the paraphrase is right, the other feels understood; if it is wrong, they correct it. Both move the conversation on.
- Name feelings and summarisePut the mood behind a statement carefully into words, as an offer and not as a verdict. At the end comes a summary with the question of whether both have understood the same thing.
More in this series
- Nonviolent CommunicationEveryday life, work, school, family, mediating between groupsFour steps that turn an accusation into a statement about your own situation. It sounds simple and is the hardest exercise in an argument
- Peer mediation in schoolsSchools, youth work, leisure facilitiesPupils mediate between their peers, by fixed rules and without a teacher at the table. It works better than it first sounds
From a procedure to a mission of your own
Every one of these methods was developed by people who had a dispute in front of them and wanted to handle it differently. The same stance is what it takes on a small scale: in a neighbourhood, a school, a club.
Find your peace mission