Resolving disputes
Conflicts can be worked through
A dispute rarely ends because one side is proved right. It ends when both sides have a procedure that gets them somewhere
The methods compared
| Method | Where it is used | What it takes | Third party |
|---|---|---|---|
| Nonviolent Communication | Everyday life, work, school, family, mediating between groups | Usable without preparation, reliable only with practice | No third person needed, one side can begin |
| Mediation | Family, workplace, neighbourhood, business, environmental and building projects | Several sessions over weeks, voluntary and abandonable at any time | An impartial third person with no power to decide |
| De-escalation | School, care work, transport, public services, volunteering, neighbourhood | Usable on the spot, training helps considerably | Often carried by an uninvolved third person |
| Peer mediation in schools | Schools, youth work, leisure facilities | Training over several weeks, a mediation in one session | Two trained peers, no teacher at the table |
| The Harvard method | Negotiations of every kind, from pay talks to a neighbourhood dispute | Preparation decides; the conversation itself can be short | No third person needed, one side can bring the method in |
| Active listening | Any conversation in which understanding matters, from the family to peer mediation | Usable at once; it becomes sure only with practice | No third person needed, one side can begin |
| I-messages | Everyday conflicts in families, couples, neighbourhoods, schools and teams | One sentence in the conversation; the real practice comes before it | No third person needed, either side can start |
This series works through the methods used to handle conflict, from a form of speech in everyday life to a regulated procedure. Each follows the same five questions: what it is, how it works, when it fits, where its limits are and what the first step looks like.
The methods
Everyday life, work, school, family, mediating between groups
Nonviolent Communication
Four steps that turn an accusation into a statement about your own situation. It sounds simple and is the hardest exercise in an argument
ReadFamily, workplace, neighbourhood, business, environmental and building projects
Mediation
A third person guides the conversation and decides nothing. That is precisely why the result tends to hold afterwards
ReadSchool, care work, transport, public services, volunteering, neighbourhood
De-escalation
A heated dispute cannot be ended with arguments. Only once the tension drops does the matter become negotiable again
ReadSchools, youth work, leisure facilities
Peer mediation in schools
Pupils mediate between their peers, by fixed rules and without a teacher at the table. It works better than it first sounds
ReadNegotiations of every kind, from pay talks to a neighbourhood dispute
The Harvard method
Neither hard nor soft but focused on the matter: four principles meant to turn a contest of wills into a shared task
ReadAny conversation in which understanding matters, from the family to peer mediation
Active listening
Listen, ask, give it back in your own words: a simple method that can turn an exchange of blows back into a conversation
ReadEveryday conflicts in families, couples, neighbourhoods, schools and teams
I-messages
Speaking about yourself instead of judging the other person: a sentence in three parts meant to turn a reproach into a message
Read
From a procedure to a mission of your own
Every one of these methods was developed by people who had a dispute in front of them and wanted to handle it differently. The same stance is what it takes on a small scale: in a neighbourhood, a school, a club.
Find your peace mission