Resolving disputes
Nonviolent Communication: examples
Ten everyday sentences, once as a reproach and once in four steps. Side by side you can see what changes and what stays the same
Key points at a glance
- A sentence in Nonviolent Communication has four parts: what you observe, how you feel, what you need and what you ask for.
- The ten examples come from family, relationships, work, school, neighbours, friendship and the way you treat yourself.
- The difference from an accusation is not politeness. It is that the other person learns what actually matters to you.
- The three most common mistakes are a hidden judgement, a pseudo-feeling and a request that is really a demand.
In numbers
4
parts per sentence
observation, feeling, need, request
10
examples
from family, relationships, work, school and neighbours
3
common mistakes
judgement, pseudo-feeling, hidden demand
Observation
What exactly happened? “Your shoes and your jacket have been lying in the hall since lunchtime.” Without a judgement such as “never” or “always”.
Feeling
How do you feel about it? “I am annoyed,” instead of a pseudo-feeling such as “ignored”.
Need
What matters to you? “… because I want a hallway you can walk through without stepping over things.” A need, not a strategy.
Request
What would you like now? “Would you hang them up now, before we eat?” A request that allows a no.
- Family2
- Relationships2
- Work2
- School1
- Neighbours1
- Friendship1
- With yourself1
What a sentence in Nonviolent Communication contains
A sentence in Nonviolent Communication has four parts: what you observed, what you feel about it, which need lies behind it and what you are specifically asking for. "You never listen to me" becomes, for example: "You just looked at your phone while I was talking. That disappointed me, because being heard matters to me. Would you put the phone down until I have finished?"
The order is not a ritual. It follows a simple thought: the other person can confirm an observation, but has to reject a judgement. Starting with what actually happened opens a conversation about the matter and not about who is right.
The examples below are deliberately ordinary. Each shows a starting sentence as it comes out in an argument, next to it the same message in four steps and below a sentence on what that changes. The four parts are a frame for orientation, not wording to learn by heart; in a real conversation they sound freer.
Ten everyday examples
The examples are grouped by area of life, because the typical reproaches there are alike: in families they are often about arrangements, in teams about information, between neighbours about quiet and consideration.
While reading, watch the first and the last part above all. The observation replaces a word like "always" or "never" with a concrete occasion. The request replaces a general demand with something the other person can actually do in the next situation.
The feeling and the need in the middle are the least familiar part. They are also the part where a conversation turns most often, because the other person learns what you are really concerned about.
Family: children and tidying up
As a reproach
You never put your things away!
In four steps
- Observation
- Your shoes and your jacket have been lying in the hall since lunchtime.
- Feeling
- I am annoyed,
- Need
- because I want a hallway you can walk through without stepping over things.
- Request
- Would you hang them up now, before we eat?
What changes: The child does not have to defend against "never", but can do one thing now.
Family: screen time
As a reproach
You are on your phone all day.
In four steps
- Observation
- You have been playing on your phone since lunch today, that is about three hours now.
- Feeling
- I am worried,
- Need
- because it matters to me that you also spend time outside with your friends.
- Request
- Shall we work out together when you will go out today?
What changes: The request invites a shared solution instead of issuing a ban.
Relationships: plans
As a reproach
You just cannot be relied on.
In four steps
- Observation
- This afternoon you cancelled an hour before we wanted to go to the cinema.
- Feeling
- I was sad and a little angry,
- Need
- because I had been looking forward to our time together and being able to plan matters to me.
- Request
- Next time, could you tell me the day before if it gets tight?
What changes: A verdict on someone’s character becomes a wish that can be met next time.
Relationships: housework
As a reproach
Everything always ends up with me.
In four steps
- Observation
- This week I cooked and washed up four times.
- Feeling
- I am exhausted,
- Need
- because I want us to share the housework.
- Request
- Would you take over the kitchen for the next two evenings?
What changes: The number can be checked; "always" can only be disputed.
Work: information in the team
As a reproach
Nobody here ever tells me anything.
In four steps
- Observation
- I found out about the rescheduled deadline from the calendar this morning, not at Monday’s team meeting.
- Feeling
- I was surprised and a bit unsettled,
- Need
- because I want to plan my work well and transparency in the team matters to me.
- Request
- Can we agree that changes to dates are also posted briefly in the team channel?
What changes: The request proposes a procedure instead of handing out blame.
Work: interruptions
As a reproach
You never let me finish.
In four steps
- Observation
- In the meeting just now you interrupted me twice before I had finished explaining my proposal.
- Feeling
- I was frustrated,
- Need
- because it matters to me that my idea is heard in full before we judge it.
- Request
- On the next point, will you let me finish first and then say what you think?
What changes: The criticism stays clear, but it refers to two moments and not to the person.
School: group work
As a reproach
You do nothing in the group.
In four steps
- Observation
- We split the presentation into three parts, and your part is still missing, although we present tomorrow.
- Feeling
- I am tense,
- Need
- because I want us to be well prepared as a group.
- Request
- Can you tell us by this evening whether you will manage your part or need help?
What changes: The request leaves the other person a way to accept help as well.
Neighbours: noise
As a reproach
You have a party every night.
In four steps
- Observation
- On Friday and Saturday there was loud music from your flat after midnight.
- Feeling
- I was tired and irritable,
- Need
- because I need sleep to be able to work early at the weekend.
- Request
- Would it be possible to turn the music down from 11 p.m.?
What changes: An attribution becomes a checkable statement and a request with a time.
Friendship: messages
As a reproach
You never get in touch.
In four steps
- Observation
- I have had no reply to my last two messages for two weeks.
- Feeling
- I feel unsure,
- Need
- because our friendship matters to me and I would like to know whether everything is all right.
- Request
- Would you drop me a line about how you are doing?
What changes: The other person hears affection instead of reproach, and the request is small enough to answer.
With yourself: self-empathy
As a reproach
I am so stupid, forgot again.
In four steps
- Observation
- I forgot the doctor’s appointment this morning, for the second time this month.
- Feeling
- I am annoyed with myself and disappointed,
- Need
- because reliability matters to me, towards myself too.
- Request
- From today I will put appointments into my phone the evening before, with a reminder.
What changes: Turned inwards as well, the sentence replaces a put-down with a next step.
The most common mistakes in example sentences
The first mistake is a judgement inside the observation. "You were lazy this week" sounds like a description but is a verdict. "I saw you in class once this week" describes what happened. Teaching material on Nonviolent Communication practises exactly this distinction, because it is the one that slips most easily in everyday life.
The second mistake is the pseudo-feeling. Sentences like "I feel attacked", "I feel passed over" or "I feel used" start with "I feel" but describe what the other person supposedly did. A feeling in the sense of Nonviolent Communication says something about you: hurt, sad, angry, unsure. The difference is small in wording and large in effect.
The third mistake is a demand that sounds like a request. The word "please" alone does not make a request: "Please stop always being late" is still a demand. A request is phrased positively, refers to the present, is concrete and doable. And it allows a no. Anyone who answers a no with pressure has made a demand.
How to practise with the examples
Take a sentence you said or thought last week that was more of a reproach. Write it down and break it into the four parts. Often the observation alone shows that a single occasion is hiding behind an "always".
Then practise in the other direction. When someone reproaches you, ask yourself quietly: what did this person observe, what do they feel, what do they need? The four steps are at least as good for listening as for speaking, and in that direction they often calm a conversation faster.
Do not expect it to work straight away in an argument. Under pressure everyone falls back on familiar sentences. It is enough to replace one part, for example only the judgement with an observation. The rest comes with practice.
Marshall B. Rosenberg, Center for Nonviolent Communication
Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing.
Sources
- Bavarian State Institute for School Quality and Educational Research, LehrplanPLUS: illustrative task on nonviolent communication (PDF, in German)
- German Education Server: practising empathy and perspective-taking with Nonviolent Communication in primary school (in German)
- Center for Nonviolent Communication: What is NVC?
Read on
- Nonviolent CommunicationFour steps that turn an accusation into a statement about your own situation. It sounds simple and is the hardest exercise in an argument
- Active listeningListen, ask, give it back in your own words: a simple method that can turn an exchange of blows back into a conversation
- I-messagesSpeaking about yourself instead of judging the other person: a sentence in three parts meant to turn a reproach into a message
- Feelings listFeelings, sorted by whether a need is met or not. Plus words that only sound like feelings, and how to translate them
- Nonviolent Communication with childrenEight situations from family life, once as they often sound under pressure and once in four steps. Without the expectation of staying calm all the time
Frequently asked questions
What does an example sentence in Nonviolent Communication look like?
A complete sentence joins four parts: "When I saw that the kitchen had not been cleaned up after dinner, I was annoyed, because a shared household matters to me. Would you do the washing-up today?" Observation, feeling, need and request follow one another, each in half a sentence.
Does a sentence in Nonviolent Communication always have to contain all four steps?
No. The four steps are a frame, not a set routine. In conversation a single part is often enough, such as an observation without judgement or a question about the other person’s need. Stringing all four together mechanically soon sounds artificial.
What is the difference between a feeling and a pseudo-feeling in NVC?
A feeling describes your own state, for example sad, angry or unsure. A pseudo-feeling such as "attacked", "passed over" or "used" describes what the other person is supposed to have done, and is therefore heard as a reproach.
How do you phrase a request instead of a demand in Nonviolent Communication?
A request is positive, concrete, about the present and doable: "Can you let me know by 6 p.m.?" instead of "Be more reliable". What matters is that a no remains possible. If a no is not accepted, it was a demand.
Does Nonviolent Communication work with children too?
Yes, it is also used in primary schools to practise empathy and seeing things from another’s point of view. With younger children, simple words for feelings help, together with a very concrete request about the next few minutes rather than the whole day.
How do I respond to an accusation with Nonviolent Communication?
The four steps also work when listening. Instead of defending yourself, you look for the other person’s feeling and need in the accusation. To “You never listen to me!” one answer could be: “Are you disappointed because it matters to you that I listen when you tell me about your day?”
The guess does not have to be right. It shows that you want to understand and gives the other person the chance to correct it. Only once they feel heard is there usually room for your own view.
How do I express a feeling without blaming the other person?
Link the feeling to your need, not to the other person’s behaviour. “I am disappointed because you did not call” makes the other person the cause. “I am disappointed because it matters to me that we can rely on each other” shows what you are missing.
The difference is small but strong. In the first sentence the other person has to justify themselves. In the second they can think about how to contribute to your need without admitting they did something wrong.
Does Nonviolent Communication not sound artificial?
Often it does at first. Anyone saying the four steps out loud for the first time sounds like a textbook, and the other person notices. The example sentences on this page are therefore meant as scaffolding, not as text to learn by heart.
With some practice the sentences become shorter and more your own. Often one part is enough: an honestly named feeling or a clear request. What counts is the attitude behind it, that is, whether you want to understand the other person or just want to get them to do something in a new way.
From a procedure to a mission of your own
Every one of these methods was developed by people who had a dispute in front of them and wanted to handle it differently. The same stance is what it takes on a small scale: in a neighbourhood, a school, a club.
Find your peace mission