Resolving disputes

Nonviolent Communication with children

Eight situations from family life, once as they often sound under pressure and once in four steps. Without the expectation of staying calm all the time

Key points at a glance

With children the same four steps apply as between adults: observation, feeling, need and request, only shorter and more concrete.
The eight examples range from the morning before nursery through homework and sibling fights to teenagers coming home late.
Young children need short sentences and named feelings, school children questions, teenagers negotiating together.
Nonviolent Communication does not mean children may do anything. You state your limit clearly, as a need instead of a threat.

In numbers

steps

observation, feeling, need, request

situations

from the morning rush to coming home late

age groups

young children and school children

What changes with ageSummarised from the section on age on this page

Young children

Focus: show rather than explain
What helps: a short sentence, eye contact, a calm voice
A sentence for it: “You are angry because you wanted to keep playing.”

School children

Focus: ask rather than tell
What helps: questions about what happened and what would matter
A sentence for it: “What would matter to you?”

Teenagers

Focus: negotiate rather than decide
What helps: rules that are made together
A sentence for it: “I want to know where you are.”

What the four steps do with children and what they do notSummarised from this page

What they do

The child hears what it is about and does not have to defend itself against a judgement.
The request names an action that is possible now.
Your boundary stays clear, it is only said differently.
If you have raised your voice, you can start again, and the child learns that mistakes can be repaired.

What they do not do

They are not a technique to make children comply faster.
They do not replace a decision you make as the adult.
When there is danger, you protect first and talk afterwards.
With violence in the family or worry about a child’s wellbeing, you need support from outside.

The eight situations by ageCounted from the examples on this page

Young child3
School child3
Siblings1
Teenager1

How does NVC work with children?

Nonviolent Communication goes back to Marshall Rosenberg and has four steps: you describe what you observe, say what you feel about it, name the need behind it and close with a concrete request. With children the pattern stays the same. What changes is the length of the sentences and the role you play as the adult.

In family life the pattern mainly helps you pause for a moment. Instead of "You are dawdling again" you might say: "Your shoes are still in the hall, and we want to leave in ten minutes. I am getting restless because being on time matters to me. Will you put them on now, please?" The child hears what it is about and does not have to defend itself against a judgement.

The method is not a technique for getting children to comply faster. It describes an attitude: behind every behaviour is an attempt to meet a need, in the child as in you. The Center for Nonviolent Communication names as its aim a connection in which everyone’s needs count. That does not rule out a clear limit, it is only said differently.

Eight situations from family life

The examples are invented but typical: the morning rush, siblings fighting, screen time, bedtime, homework. Each first shows a sentence as it often comes out under pressure, then the same thing in four steps and below that what changes.

Notice how concrete the request is. It names something the child can do now, not a trait the child should have in future. A child cannot fulfil "Be tidier", but it can fulfil "Please hang your jacket on the hook".

When there is danger, the order changes. If a child hits another or runs towards the road, you protect first and talk afterwards. Two of the examples show how that can sound.

Young child: before nursery
Under pressure
Hurry up, we are going to be late again!
In four steps
Observation
Your shoes are still in the hall, and we want to leave in ten minutes.
Feeling
I am getting restless
Need
because it matters to me that we arrive on time.
Request
Will you put your shoes on first? Then you may open the door.
What changes: The child gets one doable step instead of a reproach about every morning.
Siblings: a fight over a pen
Under pressure
Stop it right now, you are impossible!
In four steps
Observation
Stop, I am holding your hands apart. You both want the red pen.
Feeling
I am tense
Need
because it matters to me that nobody gets hurt.
Request
Tell me one after the other what you need the pen for, then we will find a solution.
What changes: Protection comes first, then both children get room instead of one being to blame.
School child: screen time
Under pressure
You are glued to the tablet again!
In four steps
Observation
The tablet has been on since lunch, and the building blocks are in the living room.
Feeling
I am tense
Need
because I want to cook soon and need the space.
Request
Will you set a timer for five minutes and then put the blocks in the box?
What changes: The request names a time and an action, so the child can steer towards the end.
Young child: bedtime
Under pressure
If you do not go to bed now, there is no story tomorrow!
In four steps
Observation
It is half past seven, and you have come out of bed again.
Feeling
I am tired
Need
and I need some quiet for myself this evening.
Request
Would you like to choose which cuddly toy sleeps next to you tonight?
What changes: Instead of a threat there is a small choice inside the limit, which stays.
School child: homework
Under pressure
You still have not started.
In four steps
Observation
Your maths book has been lying open on the table for an hour.
Feeling
I am worried
Need
because it matters to me that there is still time for your homework today.
Request
What do you need to start the first exercise?
What changes: The question opens the conversation, and the child can say where it is stuck.
Young child: hitting
Under pressure
We do not hit! You are naughty!
In four steps
Observation
I am holding your hand. You just hit your sister on the arm.
Feeling
I got a fright
Need
because it matters to me that everyone here is safe.
Request
Show me with words or by stamping how angry you are.
What changes: The limit stands at once, and the child gets another way for its anger.
Teenager: coming home late
Under pressure
You simply cannot be relied on.
In four steps
Observation
We agreed on ten o’clock, it is now half past eleven, and I have not heard from you.
Feeling
I was scared
Need
because I need to know that you are all right.
Request
Next time it gets later, will you send me a message?
What changes: The worry behind the anger becomes audible, and the request can be met next time.
School child: the bedroom
Under pressure
Your room looks like a pigsty.
In four steps
Observation
There are clothes, books and Lego on the floor, and the vacuum cleaner comes out tomorrow.
Feeling
I am annoyed
Need
because I want to vacuum once tomorrow.
Request
Will you clear the floor before dinner today? We will do the rest on Saturday.
What changes: A judgement about the room becomes a task with a time and a scope.

What changes as children grow older

With young children: explain less, show more. A short sentence, eye contact and a calm voice carry more than a long reason. You can name feelings for the child, for example "You are angry because you wanted to keep playing".

School children can think along. Here it pays to ask more often than to tell: what happened, how do you feel about it, what would matter to you? The German Education Server points to teaching material with which primary school children practise the four steps as a language pattern to learn empathy and seeing things from another’s point of view.

With teenagers the focus shifts towards negotiating. Rules are more often made together, and a request only stays a request if a no leads to a conversation and not to a punishment. You may still state your own limit clearly: "I want to know where you are" is not mistrust but a need.

Where the method reaches its limits in the family

Nonviolent Communication does not ask you to be calm at all times. If you raised your voice, you can start again later: "I was too loud earlier. I will try again." That belongs to the method too, and children learn from it that mistakes can be repaired.

The four steps do not replace a decision. If one child hurts another, protection comes first, and some questions you decide as the adult even if the child does not agree. The method changes how you say the decision, not that you make it.

Where there is violence in the family, lasting overload or concern for a child’s wellbeing, speaking differently is not enough. Then you need support from outside. In Germany the parents’ helpline of Nummer gegen Kummer is anonymous and free of charge on 0800 111 0 550.

Center for Nonviolent Communication

The purpose of Nonviolent Communication is to fully value everyone’s well being, and to create a certain quality of connection where everyone’s needs can be met through natural giving.

Sources

Back to the method: Nonviolent Communication

Read on

Frequently asked questions

From what age can you practise Nonviolent Communication with children?

There is no fixed age. With young children it is mainly the adult who uses the four steps, in short sentences and with words for feelings that the child gradually picks up. From primary school onwards children can practise the pattern themselves, and there is teaching material for that.

Do I always have to stay calm when using Nonviolent Communication with children?

No. The method does not demand constant calm. What matters more is starting again after a loud moment and saying what was going on. A pause before the conversation often helps more than a sentence forced to sound calm.

Does Nonviolent Communication with children mean children may do anything?

No. The method does not make limits unnecessary, it makes them easier to understand. You say what you observe and what matters to you and make a concrete request. Where safety is at stake, you decide, and the child learns why.

Where can parents get help when things escalate at home?

In Germany the parents’ helpline of Nummer gegen Kummer offers anonymous, free advice on 0800 111 0 550, Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays from 9 am to 5 pm, Tuesdays and Thursdays from 9 am to 7 pm. In an emergency, call 110 or 112.

What are the four steps of Nonviolent Communication with children?

They are the same four steps as between adults. You describe what you see without judging: “Your shoes are still in the hall, and we want to leave in ten minutes.” You say how you feel: “I am getting restless.” You name what matters to you: “It matters to me that we arrive on time.” And you ask for one step: “Will you put your shoes on first?”

With children it pays to keep each part short and to make the request so concrete that the child can act on it straight away. One manageable step helps more than a list of everything that still needs doing.

How do I talk to my child about feelings?

Name feelings you suspect in the child as an offer: “You are sad because the tower fell over?” That way the child learns words for what it experiences and notices that its feelings are seen. Whether the guess is right is up to the child.

Talk about your own feelings too, briefly and without making the child responsible for them. “I am tired right now” is information, “You are wearing me out” is a burden. For older children, the feelings list that belongs to this method can help.

What do I do when my child answers a request with no?

In Nonviolent Communication a no is information: something else matters to the child right now. Ask what it is, for example “You would rather finish your drawing?”, and then look for a way that takes both needs seriously, such as two more minutes and then the shoes.

Sometimes there is no room to move, for example when safety is at stake. Then you may decide and say so openly: “I am holding your hand because it matters to me that you are safe by the road.” What counts is that a request is not just called one but also allows a no where that is possible.

How do I notice that Nonviolent Communication is turning into a mere technique?

One warning sign is when the four steps only serve to make the child obey. A request that is followed by anger or punishment after a no is really a demand, even if it sounds friendly. Children usually sense this difference quickly.

A second warning sign is a sentence kit that makes every conversation sound the same. Children learn less from phrasings than from how you treat them and others. If you notice you are only speaking in templates, it helps to simply say again how you are and what you need.

From a procedure to a mission of your own

Every one of these methods was developed by people who had a dispute in front of them and wanted to handle it differently. The same stance is what it takes on a small scale: in a neighbourhood, a school, a club.

Find your peace mission