Feelings list of Nonviolent Communication

01What a feelings list is for in Nonviolent Communication

A feelings list collects words you can use to describe how you are right now. In Nonviolent Communication it is sorted by one simple rule: pleasant feelings show that a need is met, unpleasant feelings that a need is open. The list helps you find a precise word in the second of the four steps instead of stopping at “good” or “bad”.

That sounds minor, but it changes a conversation. “I feel bad” tells the other person very little. “I am exhausted” and “I am disappointed” describe two very different situations, and each points to a different need: rest in the first case, perhaps, reliability in the second. The more precise the feeling, the easier it is to find out what actually matters to you.

The list is neither a test nor a complete collection. It is a vocabulary to look things up in when nothing fitting comes to mind. Many people have only a handful of feeling words at hand in everyday life. Going through the list a few times usually shows how many shades there are between “annoyed” and “furious”, or between “content” and “thrilled”.

Teaching material on Nonviolent Communication therefore often uses a folded sheet with feelings and needs side by side. The list below follows the same idea: first the feelings when needs are met, then those when they are not, and then the words that only sound like feelings.

02Feelings when needs are met

These feelings show up when something is right: you are seen, you have found some calm, you are making progress with something or you feel connected to others. They are as much a piece of information as the unpleasant feelings, only one that is rarely spoken out loud in a dispute.

That is exactly why naming them is worth it. Thanks become more concrete when you say what they set off in you: “When you took the children to school this morning I was relieved, because otherwise I would not have made the appointment.” The other person learns which need they met, not just that they did something right.

The groups are a tool for searching. Some words fit several of them, and the line between “serene” and “content” runs a little differently for everyone. What matters is not the group but whether the word is true for you.

03Feelings when needs are not met

These feelings signal that something is missing: safety, calm, recognition, clarity or connection. They are unpleasant, but they are not a mistake. In Nonviolent Communication they count as a pointer to a need, and that pointer is often the most valuable part of a dispute.

Pay attention to strength while you search. “Annoyed”, “angry” and “furious” point the same way but do not describe the same situation. Saying “furious” when you are really annoyed makes the occasion bigger than it is; saying “a little annoyed” when you are desperate means you will not be taken seriously.

Two feelings often lie on top of each other. Behind anger there is often fear or disappointment, behind irritability tiredness. If the first word does not quite fit, read on in the neighbouring group. The second feeling usually leads closer to the need than the first.

04Pseudo-feelings: words that only sound like feelings

Some words follow “I feel” but do not describe a feeling at all. “I feel attacked” mainly says what the other person is supposed to have done: attacked you. In Nonviolent Communication such words are called pseudo-feelings, because they contain an interpretation of someone’s behaviour and therefore land as a reproach.

A simple test helps: can the sentence be rebuilt as “You … me”? “You ignored me” works, so “ignored” is a statement about the other person. “You sad me” does not work, so “sad” is a feeling. In the same way, a “that” after “I feel” gives away that an opinion follows rather than a feeling: “I feel that you do not take me seriously.”

Pseudo-feelings are not wrong, only incomplete. Behind each one there is a real feeling you can find in the list above. The table shows ten common examples: what the word implies and which feelings often lie underneath. Which of them is true for you, only you can say.

05How to practise with the feelings list

Take a minute with the list once a day, ideally at a fixed time such as the evening. Ask yourself how you are right now and look for two or three words that fit. The point is not to find the right word, but to look more closely than “fine” or “so-so”.

In the second step you connect the feeling with a need. The sentence for this is: “I am … because … matters to me.” For example: “I am uneasy because clarity matters to me and I do not yet know how tomorrow’s conversation will go.” Practising like this quickly shows that feelings are not caused by other people’s behaviour but tell you about your own needs.

A third exercise suits disputes, including afterwards. Write down a sentence you said or wanted to say and check it for pseudo-feelings. “I feel completely ignored” becomes, for example, “I was disappointed when the decision was made without me.” The second sentence leaves the other person room to ask rather than defend themselves.

With children the list works in small portions. Instead of every group, four or five words are enough to begin with, for example glad, sad, angry, afraid and tired, ideally with pictures. A child who has a word for a feeling can say it instead of only showing it. No list can guarantee that, but it provides a vocabulary to fall back on in a dispute.