Resolving disputes

Giraffe language: wolf and giraffe in Nonviolent Communication

Where the two animals come from, how to recognise wolf language, and how children and adults practise translating it into giraffe language

Key points at a glance

Giraffe language is another name for Nonviolent Communication after Marshall B. Rosenberg, used above all in daycare, primary school and families.
Wolf language judges, threatens and leaves no choice. Giraffe language says what you observe, feel and need, and ends with a request.
Wolf language can also be quiet: silence, rolling your eyes or a pointed remark are part of it.
You practise by translating: take a wolf sentence and turn it into a giraffe sentence without hiding the anger behind it.

In numbers

sentence pairs

each as a wolf sentence and a giraffe sentence

areas of life

daycare, family, school and work

steps

observation, feeling, need, request

Wolf language and giraffe language comparedFeatures from the prevention material of the Bavarian State Institute for School Quality and Educational Research, example from the sentence pairs on this page

Wolf language

Attitude: hurts, judges, looks for a fight
Typical opening: “You are …”, “You always …”, “Because of you …”
Feeling: hidden behind a judgement
Wish: leaves the other person no choice
Example: “You never tidy up, I always have to do it!”

Giraffe language

Attitude: says what bothers you without insulting
Typical opening: “I see …”, “I am …”, “What matters to me …”
Feeling: is said out loud
Wish: becomes a request that allows a no
Example: “The building blocks are still on the rug. I am tired and would like us to tidy up together. Will you put the red ones in the box?”

How to recognise a giraffe sentenceFeatures from the Bavarian prevention material and this page

A giraffe sentence

describes what happened without judging
says how you feel, even when you are angry
names what matters to you
ends with a request that allows a no
talks about a sentence, not about a person: “That was a wolf sentence” rather than “You are a wolf”
comes from interest in the other person and is not a mask for a demand

The ten sentence pairs by area of lifeCounted from the examples on this page

Daycare3
Family3
School2
Work2

What is giraffe language?

Giraffe language is another name for Marshall B. Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication, used above all in daycare, primary school and families. Speaking giraffe means saying what you observe, how you feel about it, what you need and what you are asking for, without judging the other person. Its counterpart is called wolf language: reproaches, judgements and threats that push the other person into defending themselves.

The image is meant for children but helps adults too: was that a wolf sentence or a giraffe sentence? Teaching material from the Bavarian State Institute for School Quality sums up giraffe language in four features: say what bothers you without insulting; say what you feel; say clearly what you wish for; phrase a request.

It matters what giraffe language is not: no method for making others give in, and no ban on anger. A giraffe may be angry too. It just says so in a way that tells the other person what matters to it, instead of forcing them to fend off an attack.

Why giraffe and wolf: the images behind Nonviolent Communication

Rosenberg made Nonviolent Communication vivid with two animal images. The language that hurts and judges is represented by a growling wolf baring its teeth. The empathic language is represented by the giraffe, and the reason is physical: the giraffe is the land animal with the largest heart. That is why Nonviolent Communication is also called the language of the heart.

School materials develop the image further. The giraffe has a long neck, sees the world from above and keeps an overview. It feeds where no other animal can reach and therefore takes nothing away from anyone. The wolf, by contrast, stands for a creature without this overview that snaps when it is angry and hides its feelings when it is afraid.

In German-speaking countries, giraffe language and wolf language turn up especially often in daycare and school material. A footnote in the Bavarian prevention programme refers to primary school material published in 2002 by what was then the Federal Centre for Health Education, in which both languages were developed on the basis of Nonviolent Communication and Carl Rogers’ person-centred approach.

Wolf language: how to recognise it

Wolf language is the language almost everyone knows from arguments. The Bavarian prevention material names four features: I hurt others with words, I say something bad about others, I leave others no choice with my words, and I speak full of anger and look for a fight. Typical wolf sentences start with “You are …”, “You always …” or “Because of you …”.

Not all wolf language is loud. The material also describes the quiet wolf: someone who is afraid hides their feelings and does not say how they really are. Silence, rolling your eyes or a pointed remark can be wolf language just as much as shouting.

Behind wolf language there is usually a feeling such as worry, anger, disappointment or fear. But a judgement like “You are so mean” does not reveal what is actually missing. Practising is therefore not about punishing wolves but about translating the wolf sentence into a giraffe sentence.

Wolf language and giraffe language: ten examples

The examples come from four areas of life: daycare, family, school and work. At the top is the sentence that comes first in anger, below it a translation into giraffe language with observation, feeling, need and request.

The giraffe sentences are longer, and that is deliberate. They contain the information missing from the wolf sentence: what exactly happened and why it bothers you. In a real conversation you will say them more briefly and in your own words.

Pay attention to the last sentence of each translation. It is a request and allows an answer, including a no. Dressing a demand in friendly words is not yet speaking giraffe.

Daycare: tidying up
Wolf language
You never tidy up, I always have to do it!
Giraffe language
The building blocks are still on the rug. I am tired and would like us to tidy up together. Will you put the red ones in the box?
Daycare: a toy taken away
Wolf language
Stop that right now, you are so mean to Lea!
Giraffe language
You took the digger out of Lea’s hand, and now she is crying. It matters to me that everyone here can play in peace. Will you give it back and ask whether you want to swap?
Daycare: lunch
Wolf language
Eat now, or there is no dessert!
Giraffe language
Your plate is still full. I am worried you will be hungry later. Will you try three spoonfuls and then tell me how it tastes?
Family: at the door in the morning
Wolf language
Stop dawdling, we are going to be late because of you!
Giraffe language
It is almost eight and your shoes are not on yet. I am restless because I want to be at work on time. Will you put on the left one while I hold the right one?
Family: phone at the table
Wolf language
Put that phone away, you are impossible!
Giraffe language
You are looking at your phone during the meal. I am sad because our time together at the table matters to me. Would you leave it in the kitchen until after we have eaten?
Family: siblings fighting
Wolf language
You are driving me mad, stop arguing right now!
Giraffe language
You have been shouting at each other for a few minutes. It is too loud for me right now, and I need quiet. Will you tell me one after the other what it is about?
School: calling out
Wolf language
You keep disrupting the lesson!
Giraffe language
You have called out three times now. I am tense because I want everyone to get a turn. Please raise your hand, and I will call on you.
School: group work
Wolf language
You never do anything, we do it all ourselves!
Giraffe language
There is nothing from you on the poster yet. I am annoyed because a fair split of the work matters to me. Will you take the heading and the sources?
Work: being interrupted
Wolf language
Let me finish for once, you are so disrespectful!
Giraffe language
You have just interrupted me twice. I am frustrated because I want to finish my thought. May I complete the sentence before you reply?
Work: a missed deadline
Wolf language
You simply cannot be relied on.
Giraffe language
We agreed on the report for Monday, and it has not arrived. I am worried because I have to present it on Wednesday. Will you tell me by tomorrow noon when it will be ready?

Practising giraffe language with children

In daycare and primary school, giraffe language is often introduced with two hand puppets, a wolf and a giraffe. A teaching unit from the Religious Education Institute of the Protestant churches of Kurhessen-Waldeck and in Hesse and Nassau has the puppets Lumpi and Kira talk to each other and is intended for use from year 3. The Bavarian prevention programme also recommends role plays between wolf and giraffe and notes that trainers like to use hand puppets for this.

A simple game needs almost no material. Someone says a sentence, and the others show whether it sounded like a wolf or a giraffe: with grey wolf cards and yellow giraffe cards, or just with a hand. For the wolf the hand forms a snapping snout, for the giraffe the index and middle fingers show the horns. Then the group translates the wolf sentence.

With younger children, setting an example helps more than explaining. An example on the Klett daycare portal shows a practitioner who does not get a five-year-old into his jacket with a threat but describes what she sees, asks questions and looks for a solution together with him. Nobody promises that this works every time; but it shows the child what a conflict without a power struggle can look like.

Limits of the imagery

The animals are an image for ways of speaking, not for people. As soon as a child hears “You are a wolf”, the tool has become a new label, and that is exactly what Nonviolent Communication wants to avoid. Better: “That was a wolf sentence”, or the question of how the sentence would sound as a giraffe.

The image can also become too simple. The Bavarian material stresses that Nonviolent Communication is not a conversation technique but an inner attitude that recognises the other person and respects their dignity. Anyone who only uses the right words without taking an interest in the other person remains a wolf in a giraffe mask.

And the giraffe attitude is hard when your own needs are neglected. The Klett daycare portal gives the example of a practitioner who had no break because of staff shortages and is hungry and tired. Then giraffe language starts with yourself, with a break or a sentence to a colleague. Where violence threatens, protection comes before any form of conversation.

Klett daycare portal, The giraffe way (translated)

We need a figuratively very large heart if we want to be empathic with ourselves and with others.

Sources

To the method: Nonviolent Communication

Read on

Frequently asked questions

What does giraffe language mean?

Giraffe language is a vivid name for Marshall B. Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication. It describes a way of speaking in which you say what you observe, feel and need, and ask for something, instead of judging the other person.

What is the difference between wolf language and giraffe language?

Wolf language hurts, judges and leaves the other person no choice, for example with “You are so mean!”. Giraffe language instead describes what happened, names your own feeling and need and ends with a request that also allows a no.

Why does the giraffe stand for giraffe language?

The giraffe is the land animal with the largest heart and therefore stands for empathic speaking. With its long neck it also keeps an overview.

From what age can children learn giraffe language?

There is no fixed age limit. The Klett daycare portal shows an example with a five-year-old, and a teaching unit from the Religious Education Institute is intended for use from year 3.

How do I translate a sentence from wolf language into giraffe language?

Ask yourself what exactly happened, how you feel about it and what matters to you. “You keep disrupting!” then becomes something like: “You called out three times. I am tense because everyone should get a turn. Will you raise your hand, please?”

What are the four steps of giraffe language?

The four steps are the same as in Nonviolent Communication: observation, feeling, need and request. The Bavarian teaching material translates them for children like this: say what bothers you without insulting; say what you feel; say clearly what you wish for; make a request.

An example from daycare: “The building blocks are still on the rug” is the observation, “I am tired” the feeling, “I would like us to tidy up together” the need, “Will you put the red ones in the box?” the request. Not every sentence needs all four parts, but the fixed order helps while practising.

Is giraffe language taught in schools?

Yes, for example in Bavaria. The State Institute for School Quality and Educational Research uses wolf and giraffe language in its prevention programme, in a lesson unit on arguing. Pupils learn the features of both languages there and practise in teams of three to translate sentences from one into the other.

According to the institute, the worksheets go back to material for fostering social behaviour in primary school from 2002, published by today’s BIÖG (formerly the Federal Centre for Health Education). Giraffe and wolf language were developed there based on Nonviolent Communication and Carl Rogers’ person-centred approach.

How do I practise giraffe language as an adult?

Start with a single sentence a day. In the evening, write down a wolf sentence you said or thought, and calmly translate it into the four steps. What did you observe without judging? What did you feel? What mattered to you? What could you have asked for?

Also practise listening in giraffe language. When someone throws a wolf sentence at you, ask yourself quietly which feeling and which need could lie behind it. Often it is enough to give a guess back as a question: “Are you disappointed right now because that mattered to you?”

From a procedure to a mission of your own

Every one of these methods was developed by people who had a dispute in front of them and wanted to handle it differently. The same stance is what it takes on a small scale: in a neighbourhood, a school, a club.

Find your peace mission