De-escalation techniques: ten techniques for tense situations

01What are de-escalation techniques?

De-escalation techniques are ways of behaving and phrases with which you can calm a tense situation before it tips into insults or violence. They include distance and posture, a calm voice, listening, naming feelings and offering a choice. No technique guarantees that a situation stays calm; together, however, they can help people talk again instead of threatening.

Germany’s statutory accident insurance describes de-escalation as various measures intended to prevent aggressive behaviour and to stop a situation from building up into a dangerous one. In the same release an emergency physician at Berlin’s Charité points out something many people overlook: anyone standing in an escalating situation is part of it and can influence it.

The techniques below come from guidance for professions with a lot of public contact, such as medical practices and care, and from the police recommendations on civil courage. Which one fits depends on how far the situation has already escalated; the section on stages is about that.

02Ten de-escalation techniques with example sentences

Each technique comes with three details: when it fits, how it works and how a sentence for it can sound. The German originals of the example sentences use the formal “Sie”, because de-escalation often happens between strangers. The police rules on civil courage even advise explicitly against addressing an offender informally, so that bystanders do not assume a private quarrel.

The order roughly follows the course of a situation: first body and voice, then listening and naming, then choice and time, and finally withdrawal. Two or three techniques you can apply confidently help more than a list you cannot remember under pressure.

One principle stands above all of them: do nothing that provokes. The quality circle module of the National Association of Statutory Health Insurance Physicians names reprimanding, smiling condescendingly and moralising as behaviour that contributes nothing to de-escalation, and advises against answering a reproach with aggressive rhetoric.

1. 01

   Keep your distance and stand to the side

   When

   As soon as someone becomes loud, restless or threatening, even before a word is said.

   How

   Keep at least an arm’s length away, preferably more. Stand to the side rather than face on, with your hands open and visible in front of your body. A table or chair between you creates extra space.

   How it can sound“I will stay here, then we both have room.”

2. 02

   Speak calmly and slowly

   When

   When the other person is shouting or speaking very fast.

   How

   Speak calmly, in a low voice and slowly, in short sentences. Do not adopt the other person’s volume but offer calm they can take their cue from.

   How it can sound“I am listening. Let us sort this out calmly now.”

3. 03

   Address the person and use names

   When

   When someone is upset and nobody feels responsible.

   How

   Do not leave the person alone; address them directly. Introduce yourself with your name and role and use their name if you know it. That turns a scene in front of an audience into a conversation between two people.

   How it can sound“Mr Keller, I am Jana from reception. I will take care of your request now.”

4. 04

   Let them finish

   When

   When someone wants to get their anger off their chest and keeps being interrupted.

   How

   Let them speak and finish, do not cut in, do not contradict straight away. Short signals such as a nod show that you are listening. The matter itself comes later.

   How it can sound“Tell me first, I will not interrupt you.”

5. 05

   Name feelings

   When

   When the anger seems bigger than the trigger.

   How

   Say what you perceive and show understanding for the problem and the feelings without agreeing on the matter. Understanding does not mean agreeing. Then you can move on to an offer.

   How it can sound“You seem really annoyed. I can understand that when you have been waiting this long.”

6. 06

   Short sentences and closed questions

   When

   When the other person is highly agitated and no longer answers open questions.

   How

   Simple words, no jargon, one statement per sentence. Ask questions that can be answered with yes or no. Once the person calms down, open questions can help.

   How it can sound“Is this about your appointment today?”

7. 07

   Offer a choice

   When

   When someone feels cornered and can only escalate.

   How

   Name two acceptable options instead of giving an order. Both should be small and realistic. A choice gives back room to act without anyone having to give in.

   How it can sound“You can wait here for a moment, or we can sit down next door. Which would you prefer?”

8. 08

   Be transparent and gain time

   When

   When waiting, uncertainty or a misunderstanding drive the anger.

   How

   Say what is happening and what comes next, with a time you can keep to. A short pause gives both sides time to collect themselves.

   How it can sound“You have not been forgotten. I will sort this out and be back with you in five minutes.”

9. 09

   I-message instead of reproach

   When

   When you need to set a boundary without attacking.

   How

   Describe what a behaviour does to you instead of judging the person. The boundary stays clear but sounds less like an attack. The examples of I-messages show more.

   How it can sound“When you get this loud, I no longer understand what you need.”

10. 10

    Withdraw and get help

    When

    When you notice you cannot handle the situation alone, or when violence threatens.

    How

    Break off the attempt to de-escalate, create distance and get help: colleagues, bystanders, in an emergency the police on 110. Withdrawing is not failure but self-protection.

    How it can sound“I am going to get my colleague now.”

03Stages of escalation: which technique fits when

Which technique fits depends on how far a situation has progressed. The best-known model comes from the conflict researcher Friedrich Glasl and distinguishes nine ideal-typical stages of conflict escalation. Germany’s Federal Agency for Civic Education recommends it as background knowledge for understanding conflicts better and finding ways out of their dynamics.

For acute situations in direct contact, the module of the National Association of Statutory Health Insurance Physicians describes a simpler model with three stages. At the first, the conflict stays without escalation: often one side falls silent, or someone leaves the scene. At the second, an angry conversation develops with slogans, stereotypes and insults. At the third, threatening gestures are added, and the situation can tip into physical violence.

At the second stage, techniques two to six fit best: letting them finish, staying calm, not raising the intensity, naming feelings. The module notes that only a minority of angry verbal exchanges escalate into violence. At the third stage, offering a choice can still help; above all, though, distance, withdrawal and help count, that is, the first and the last technique.

04Limits of de-escalation and self-protection

De-escalation is not heroism. The first police rule on civil courage is: help, but do not put yourself in danger. Anyone who is threatened or witnesses violence calls the police on 110, asks others specifically for help, such as the person in the blue jacket, and looks after the person affected instead of throwing themselves between the people fighting.

The police are critical of aids that promise safety. Hamburg Police explicitly advise against carrying weapons such as pepper spray or knives for self-defence, because they can make a situation worse and be used against you. Instead they recommend using every possibility of communication and, in a concrete violent situation, getting loud so that helpers take notice.

In organisations with a lot of public contact, de-escalation does not rest with individuals alone. The statutory accident insurance recommends that employers offer de-escalation training; the module of the National Association of Statutory Health Insurance Physicians advises agreed help signals within the team and states that self-protection comes first. Difficult situations then belong in the next team meeting, so that nobody is left alone with what happened.

05How to practise de-escalation

Techniques you have only read about are hard to recall under pressure. The module of the National Association of Statutory Health Insurance Physicians therefore recommends acting out difficult scenes in the team. That also works in pairs: one person plays an upset customer, the other tries distance, a calm voice and a sentence from the list.

Also practise handling your own tension. The module describes a simple breathing technique: breathe in for four seconds, hold for four seconds, breathe out for four seconds, pause for four seconds. If you are calmer yourself, you can radiate calm more easily.

And practise on a small scale. In the next ordinary argument, whether in the family or at a club, you can use one technique deliberately: once letting the other person finish, once naming a feeling, once offering a choice. That way the sentences become familiar before you need them in a serious situation.