Resolving disputes

Active listening: everyday examples

Ten conversations, each with a typical reply and a reply that listens. Side by side you can see when a conversation carries on and when it ends

Key points at a glance

Active listening means giving the other person your full attention and reflecting back what you understood before you reply.
Four techniques carry the ten examples: paraphrasing, naming feelings, asking and summarising.
A listening reply keeps the conversation open. Quick advice or a story of your own, by contrast, often ends it.
Listening does not mean agreeing. You show that you have understood and can then give your own view.

In figures

techniques

paraphrasing, naming feelings, asking, summarising

examples

each with a typical reply and a listening reply

components

following what is said, understanding the message, reflecting the feeling

Which technique the ten examples useCounted from the examples on this page

Paraphrasing3 examples
Naming feelings3 examples
Asking2 examples
Summarising2 examples

How to listen activelyTechniques from the examples and the information sheet of Osnabrück University of Applied Sciences

When you listen actively, you

give back the content in your own words, without judging
name a feeling as a guess: “Sounds like you’re disappointed?”
ask where something is still unclear
sum up what you have understood
do not interpret too quickly or interrupt with comments
leave advice, disagreement or a solution until afterwards
show that you have understood without having to agree

Where active listening comes fromSummarised from this page

1961
Carl Rogers
describes active listening as a method of conversation in psychotherapy.
1970
Thomas Gordon
carries it over to families in his book “Parent Effectiveness Training”.
Later
School and work
Gordon also describes the method for school and work.
Today
Many fields
Active listening is used in medicine, coaching and education, among others.

How to recognise active listening in a conversation

Active listening does not show in silence but in the reply. Someone who listens actively gives back what has arrived before adding anything of their own: the content in their own words, a feeling they suspect or a question that looks more closely. The other person can then confirm or correct it, and only after that is there room for advice, disagreement or a solution.

An information sheet from Osnabrück University of Applied Sciences names three components: actively following what is said, actively understanding the message and reflecting its emotional content. It also describes what often gets in the way: interpreting too early, hearing selectively and comments that cut the other person off. The typical replies in the examples below show exactly these patterns.

The method goes back to the psychologist Carl Rogers, who described it for conversations in psychotherapy. His colleague Thomas Gordon carried it over to families, first in his 1970 book “Parent Effectiveness Training”, later to school and work as well. The sentences below are invented everyday examples; in a real conversation they sound like your own words.

Ten examples of active listening

Each example starts with a sentence someone might say in everyday life. Below it is a typical reply: advice, comfort, a counter-question or a story of one’s own. These replies are almost always meant kindly, but they steer the conversation away from the person who is speaking.

The listening reply names one of four techniques. Paraphrasing gives back the content in your own words. Naming feelings says what resonates behind the content, as a guess. Asking invites more clarity, and summarising bundles several points when someone has talked for a while.

As you read, notice what the listening reply leaves out. It does not judge, it does not solve anything and it says nothing about the listener. That does not make advice or disagreement wrong. They simply come later, once it is clear what matters to the other person.

Family: an exhausting day
Said
I really can’t face anything else today.
Typical reply
Then just go to bed early.
Listening reply
Technique
Naming feelings
Reply
Sounds like you’re pretty worn out. Was there a lot going on today?
What changes: Instead of quick advice, the person gets room to tell what made the day so hard.
Relationship: housework
Said
Somehow everything here ends up on my plate.
Typical reply
That’s not true, I cooked yesterday too.
Listening reply
Technique
Paraphrasing
Reply
You feel you’re carrying the bigger share of the housework at the moment, and it’s too much for you.
What changes: The self-defence stays out, and so does the argument about who did what and when.
Children: a quarrel at the playground
Said
The others never let me play with them!
Typical reply
Oh, I’m sure they’ll play with you again tomorrow.
Listening reply
Technique
Naming feelings
Reply
It made you sad today that you weren’t allowed to join in.
What changes: The child feels understood rather than comforted before it has been able to tell its story.
Teenagers: trouble with a teacher
Said
My maths teacher showed me up in front of everyone today.
Typical reply
What did you do this time?
Listening reply
Technique
Asking
Reply
That sounds unpleasant. What exactly happened?
What changes: The question opens the conversation instead of placing the blame on the teenager straight away.
School: stress before an exam
Said
I’ll never manage, there’s far too much to learn.
Typical reply
You just have to start revising earlier.
Listening reply
Technique
Paraphrasing
Reply
You feel there’s hardly any way to get through all the material before the exam.
What changes: Only once the pressure has been put into words is there room for a revision plan.
Work: too many tasks at once
Said
I honestly don’t know which way is up right now.
Typical reply
Same here, I’ve got three deadlines this week too.
Listening reply
Technique
Asking
Reply
Which of it is weighing on you most right now?
What changes: Your own story stays out, and your colleague can sort out what comes first.
Work: feedback in the team
Said
By the end of the project nobody knew who was doing what, and half of it was left undone.
Typical reply
Well, that wasn’t down to me.
Listening reply
Technique
Paraphrasing
Reply
If I understand you correctly, what you missed was a clear split of the tasks.
What changes: A defence turns into a clarification that an agreement can build on.
Friendship: not getting in touch
Said
You didn’t get in touch at all after my birthday.
Typical reply
I just had a lot on.
Listening reply
Technique
Naming feelings
Reply
You were disappointed because you expected more from me.
What changes: Your friend hears that her disappointment has landed before any explanation follows.
Neighbours: noise in the evening
Said
Your children are so loud in the evening that my little one can’t get to sleep, and I have to be up early in the morning.
Typical reply
Children are just loud.
Listening reply
Technique
Summarising
Reply
So it’s about the time after eight, when your son should be asleep, and about you getting up early yourself.
What changes: The summary turns a complaint into two concrete points that can be talked about.
Shared flat: the kitchen
Said
I’m forever tidying up after everyone, the bin is full and nobody sticks to the cleaning rota.
Typical reply
Then just write a new rota.
Listening reply
Technique
Summarising
Reply
It bothers you that you’re always tidying up, the bin gets left and the rota isn’t kept. Which of these matters most to you?
What changes: Summarising and asking together help turn a sweeping complaint into one topic for the flat meeting.

Common mistakes in active listening

The most common mistake is the echo. Repeating every sentence almost word for word sounds mechanical, and the other person feels put on show rather than understood. Paraphrasing means giving back the core in your own words, not every word. A short “So you mean …” at the right moment helps more than a mirror after every sentence.

The second mistake is the imposed feeling. “You’re jealous” is not a guess but a verdict. A feeling is therefore put as a question or with some distance: “Sounds like that annoyed you?” That way the other person can disagree, and even a correction moves the conversation forward.

The third mistake is hidden advice. Questions like “Have you ever thought of just …?” or “Don’t you think you’re overreacting?” look like questions but push a solution or a judgement forward. Open questions usually begin with what, how or when and genuinely leave the answer open.

Exercise: listen for a minute, then give it back

In your next conversation, set yourself the goal of not interrupting the other person for one minute. Show you are there only through eye contact, a nod or a short “mhm”. Then give back in one sentence what you understood, and check whether it is right: “Do I understand you correctly that …?”

In the days after, pay attention to your own typical replies. Many people have one they fall back on almost automatically: the advice, the comfort, the story of their own. Once you know yours, you can notice it before it comes and try paraphrasing or asking in its place.

Practise in calm conversations first, not in your biggest argument. Active listening also does not mean putting up with everything: if a conversation turns disrespectful, you may interrupt it and say what you need, for example with an I-message. And where serious crises, violence or lasting emotional strain are involved, good listening does not replace advice from professionals.

Osnabrück University of Applied Sciences, information sheet on active listening

Listening means holding yourself back and giving the other person room.

Sources

Back to the method: active listening

Read on

Frequently asked questions

What does an example of paraphrasing in active listening look like?

If a colleague says “I would have liked the documents earlier”, a paraphrase could be: “The time to prepare was too short for you.” The sentence gives back the core in your own words without judging, and leaves your colleague free to confirm or add to it.

How do you name feelings in active listening without imposing them?

Put the feeling as a guess and leave room for disagreement: “Sounds like you’re disappointed?” rather than “You’re disappointed.” If the guess is off, the other person usually corrects it, and that too helps to understand the situation better.

Which sentences work for active listening with children?

With children, short sentences that name the feeling help: “You’re angry because the tower fell over.” Thomas Gordon described active listening for parents in particular, so that children feel understood before rules or solutions come up.

What does active listening sound like at work?

At work, active listening stays factual: “If I understand you correctly, you need a decision by Friday so the team can carry on.” The paraphrase makes sure both mean the same thing before anyone commits to anything.

Do I have to agree when I listen actively?

No. Active listening shows that you have understood, not that you agree. Giving back first what matters to the other person often makes it easier to bring in your own view afterwards, because they no longer have to fight to be heard.

What techniques of active listening are there?

The examples on this page use four techniques: paraphrasing, that is, putting what was said into your own words; naming feelings, that is, saying what you perceive in the other person; asking, to understand more precisely; and summarising, to secure a shared understanding at the end of a longer conversation.

On top of that come signals without words. A guide from Osnabrück University of Applied Sciences names a turned-towards posture with eye contact, nodding and short responses such as “yes, I see” or “mhm”. They show that you are following without interrupting.

What are the three components of active listening?

Osnabrück University of Applied Sciences describes three components: actively following what is said, actively understanding the message and reflecting the emotional content of what is said. The first takes attention, the second follow-up questions and summaries, the third naming feelings.

According to the guide, all three require an attitude of honest interest. If you are already preparing your own reply, you easily miss what the other person actually wants to say.

Who developed active listening?

It was described by the psychologist Carl Rogers, who presented it in 1961 as a method of conversation in psychotherapy. From there it found its way into many fields, such as medicine, coaching and education.

In families, active listening became known above all through Thomas Gordon. In his parent training, parents learn to listen actively to their children so that the children can recognise, name and solve their problems in a way that suits their age.

From a procedure to a mission of your own

Every one of these methods was developed by people who had a dispute in front of them and wanted to handle it differently. The same stance is what it takes on a small scale: in a neighbourhood, a school, a club.

Find your peace mission